you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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