From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
