I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.