i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
