Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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