i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
