i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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