My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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