some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
