I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
