i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
