My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
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I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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