Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
