Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
