final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
