I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
