I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
