I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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