Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
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Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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