I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize