getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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