Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
