my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
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Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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