i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
