ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
