the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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