Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
