I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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