Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
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It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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