she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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