literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
