remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Enjoy the penises
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
