so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
