Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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