she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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