i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
