I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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