you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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