You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
COCAINE IS GR8
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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