he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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