What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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