I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
