I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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