Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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