Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We need to rekindle our bromance
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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