sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize