I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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