I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am spending my child support on dildos
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
