It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
