hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
