life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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