i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
