just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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