You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
