So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
