I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
