Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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