Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
